Thinking back on Craziness.

There was a point in time where I was to young to understand the things that went wrong. My fathers issues of mental stability, my mother and his falling relation ship, and my brother not developing the way the rest of the children had already developed made understanding a very confusing moment in my life. I know much of the time I will joke and laugh about what goes on and try my best to remember the funny things that had happened between my father and I, things that scared me much as a child but as I grew older Is started understand where the break down was.

I had a discussion with my friend,  that made me think in a way that I had not before. See my father, though at times his way was not always logical. Like Captain Kirk who would save an episode by ripping his shirt talking in spasms and making out with the hottest alien he could find… it was that kind of mentality that made little to no sense what so ever. Least not to me, but looking back on this I can see there was try, but every choice he made was wrong.

Unfortunately no is alive who is able to give me the correct answer. No one is still able to tell me the truth and to be honest some times I am too frightened to think of bringing it up in fear he may have a mental break down.  So in spite of everything I put my self in my father’s position for a moment and looked in his eyes and this was the answer I could come up with, though it sounds foolish and ridiculous. I do not know the whole story, but this is how it went.

My mother and father were on the break, my mother had found out about a fling, and this fling had a name. Anyway the fling was ending the relationship between my mother and father and everything was going down hill. My brother was always so ill and so he would of never survived. But me, I was strong always strong. So I think my dad was trying to set himself up to be a hero.  There was a very cold winter in about 85 when all was said I was taken from my home and went missing.

Thinking back I don’t remember anything but waking up in the cold being in a night gown and being set in a blanket by the fire. I remember the snow falling and my dad there and he was telling me not to move. To stay put and he would be back in a few days. He left food and water and he would be back. there was plenty of firewood. I don’t know at the time where I was so I could not walk back home. I could not really walk i didn’t have snow slippers on I remember sitting and watching the stars and I felt safe only for small moments between passing out.

How many days was I missing? Some family have said 3, others say a week but I do not remember. I just remember the days went by and he would check on me, but I was cold I thought I was being punished for leaving a toy on the kerosene heater or I had burned down the house.. or something I had done went horribly wrong. It was hard to tell hard to understand at that age.

But then there was lights one late night. I could not feel my fingers or my toes, my face hurt so bad and then there were more light and talking out in the woods.  Calling my name and at first i said nothing, I did not know the voices. But then they saw the fire and found me wrapped me up and put me in the car. It was vague after that. Part of me wants to believe that he was going to rescue me to look like a hero. The other part believed that my brother and his condition was something that really damaged my father mentally. He blamed himself for the outcome of my brothers Muscular Dystrophy and it was so hard for him to be around him. So the other part of me thinks he would of kept me if mother left.

For the honest truth my dad is not a vindictive or evil man. He is loving and kind, but he would give everything to so many. However he is the first be walked on and I know this more then anyone else. I have watched it and it is slightly passed in the DNA.

I do miss him, I miss his jokes and watching him and my uncle talk to each other was the most normal moments from him. He could make me laugh for hours just listening to the two of them talk. It is so heart breaking that I never get to see those things now. Do not get me wrong there were scary times, there were funny times to. Even though I am saying these things it is not out of hurt. I was alone in a time when kids understood what alone was. I followed the rules because I understood what happened when they were broken, things were ruined people got hurt.

Setting my toy on the kerosene heater to get it warm before bed  was always my greatest sin, so many times I nearly burned the house down over the want for a warmed pound puppy. So thinking back with all that happened. I truly think my father was trying to fix things and look like a hero, though his idea failed. His chance to redeem himself was cut short. For a long long time, dad was always my hero, even if he was a little unorthodox.