My personal Episode as a Criminal at the Zoo.

You have to understand, I love my father and the things that he has done has just made him more comical, I had thought it best to include one of my own plotted out moments of revenge. I was like very few kids a very bad one when it came to five finger discounts. I admit I was then when the security tabs were first placed in to and on Cd’s. I was about when door scanners were not even installed in most places and a young teen we all had to start our bad habits somewhere. Before I was born as a Mall-rat I was a normal kid who paid for everything, with security guards who practically raised me.

Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don’t hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent – I don’t care which one – but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.

I was a saint, I never wanted to steal or hurt anyone ever. But then one afternoon I had gone to the Zoo, and it changed my life forever. I had a brother who I admit was connected with on a higher level of conscious, to many times had we communicated on the same fears and aspirations each of us seemed to have.  I could explain a story to someone about my brother and my brother would bring up the same story when they met that person.

He was amazing, the single best thing that I have ever known in existence. I thank the universe every day for the love we shared which was more then true unconditional but on a soul bounded kinship that words will never be able to do it justice… .

Anyway.. My saint brother had been saving up for this Safari hat, it was all he wanted when dad was going to take me and my cousin to the Zoo. It was a trip I was really excited about, but in the end it came to be something I would bring hell fire down on. I was a bit more then over protective when it came to my brother. I had no issues knocking the hell out of a lesser grader if they picked on him. Most of the time they had not but every once in a while they had, we can push it to the extent I would very much like to see you suffer over a lava pit or being given a sponge bath with sheets of broken glass.  There was an -Instant Hate- literally it was like a switch it was either on or off, and trust me you never wanted it off. I can hold a grudge like a 2 year old with a cookie.

Same way with grudges.

Anyway my brother goes to the zoo maybe twice ever 4 – 5 years so it was a big thing for him. Plus he got to go with Chris who he seriously loved and he was able to go with Dad as well. We got in to one of the stores and they Didn’t have the safari hats that he wanted but they had some white ones made out of cloth. We brought him in and there he was paying for something with his own money. We were all so happy, he put the hat on his head and with his heart full of light he rolled out the door.

Slightly outside this shop of hell there was a puddle and it was filled with perhaps some of the grossest things there. You have to understand we just arrived we had this idea of playing safari adventure and travel the out back and hidden jungles.  We brought binoculars and were ready to document any existing creatures and study the ones we had never seen. We were set, but it was then he hit a pothole, a speed bump and off flew the hat. right directly in to the mud, granted we had purchased it just a moment before. I rushed in immediately to talk with the sales associate or the manager and they both stood there like Gandalf the White.

No, was in all the answer I remember saying.. “Its your pothole. You are really going to do that to him? ” The light switch was ON. My next comment was “I am 12 but I know you have a policy for damaged goods that you received. ” I was trying to reason with a mountain and I was failing no matter how the wind may howl the mountain will not bow. This only poured gasoline on my existing flame, the problem was I wasn’t a flame I was the Hiroshima.

I was in all moments… Katie… Kaboom.

I had decided right then and there not to give a shit, I had made one of the most adult decisions ever. Which was, what was the worst they could do? They couldn’t send me to Jail, the worst would be Juvie but I would have to steal like 500 dollars worth of items just for Juvie. I would also have to get caught. My obsession with puppetry and magic tricks to good use. I walked out at first with the a few things to see if anything had worked if an alarm would get set off and one was in plain sight, next thing i knew it was on. There wasn’t an alarm and what ever genes were on went crazy, my brother had an electric wheel chair and i am certain I ended up shoving about 300 to 500 dollars worth of items in to that chair,  and my pockets when we got out it was only then anyone had seen what I had done.. My dads mouth was open, my cousin as well, same with my brother. I should of been more impressed with the fact the both of them were walking next to me the whole time. Or the fact that I was shoving things in Irl’s chair, still none were the wiser. Not a clue of them knew the kind of Cat Burglar I could of been.

I’m not just pussyfooting around this time, Batman!

A normal dad would of been Shocked. Mine was… A normal father would of scolded me.. Mine started to… it was then he looked to me as I pulled out the New and totally awesome 75 dollar safari hat that  I handed it to my brother and my brother smiled. He had been depressed that whole day, he came back with more Zoo merchandise then he could ever imagine. I had at least five hand fulls of Zoo pens, I had rolled up t-shirt, animal tracks music CD, movies documentaries posters toys beanie babies that were way over priced. I had astronaut candy and various of their types of candy, I had small games and if you think I couldn’t find room I did. My dad was in horrible Awe when he saw it and more and more my brothers face was lighting up.. I felt like Robin Hood, but with an awesome cape. We paid 30 dollars for a cloth hat that was really about 4 dollars.

My brother had been crying before, down right upset at the oil and everything that was soaked in to the hat. But when he had seen my one and only Robin hood moment he gave loose a big precious moments smile. Those giant green and large pupil eyes stared deeper in to me. I could see him looking at me while I posed like Peter Pan, a common criminal. Here I am standing with my gift to you. Joy. I would honestly go a little over board when my brother cried.

It's hard to say no, even to the statue.

It’s hard to say no, even to the statue.

I watched him light up like it was Christmas, he was the only one who said anything.. “You shouldn’t of done that… But thank you… ” My dad was like… “See this.. if they treat you like shit… Fuck ’em..” We all laughed.  But me I look back on it, and out of all things the one piece that survived the years of being a kid was none of it. Except the memory, that in itself is worth it.

 

TO comment: Since then any time I have gone to the Zoo I have donated money, I have paid it in full but I still donate. A stain on my soul I guess. I suppose its me trying to pay them back. But in other words, its an amazing place and I was just a kid.

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My apology to the Graduated Classes of 1998, 1999 and 2000

I am a horrible human being.

Knowing what I am about to confess is something that will haunt many in the mind and possibly in the heart as well. What I am about to confess is something much worse than I have imagined it should be. Now that I think back on my obsessions with joining the FBI and being a profiler on serial killers and kidnappers, it was all I wanted to be. I see this as an obsession. I know my weird actions in the days of old had lead me astray but I want you to know. It was me. I am sure I was spotted I am sure something was said or maybe something wasn’t said, you can reflect and yell at your classmates for what had been seen and not reported. Perhaps though.. I am that good. I could have been my own.

A long stem rose to greet Albert Fish.

I secretly waited for the near end of first semester to end. I knew my targets; I watched what went on during freshmen year. With that it leads me to one tradition. I would out do them all. As a teen I had the five finger discount down to an art. But that road leads me to this. I was the prime person for the job and what was worse, was I knew it was coming. The grin could barely escape me and I was smiling. I apologize for all of you who failed Child Development. When your egg or Flour baby went missing… That is right… It was me.
I was the one writing threats and making ransom notes on your children you never took care to. You want to know why you are so paranoid about your children missing today. You are right it was me. You took the time to make a little bed for that precious egg. You took the time to make a bed for it a home for it to be sure it would not get cracked or broken. You decorated it with the best little fuzz and happy smiling little face that you could possibly make. This was your pride and joy to you. This was your Egg Baby.

Your lovely baby egg… sitting there… all alone.

Though, when I looked at it I didn’t see a baby, I saw an omelet. I could see that cracked thing with broken shell and the yolk slipping in to the pan. I can’t help but curl a grin. I grew up on the Incredible Edible egg commercials and overall it is one of my favorite foods so versatile and used in nearly everything. My mouth watered, I was nice… if you really worked hard on your basket it was left, with an equally small ransom note. I was taking an Egg every few days. I should of sought out counseling but when I had it only fed my ambition.

Out of the frying pan and in to the fire.

You would talk a little too long to the crush you so badly wanted to get with while leaving your child 3 inches from you at your desk. One single bathroom break and the flour baby was gone. I watched your face in shock, and how you asked. No one would answer, no one would say what was to happen.

Your baby was taken to a closed dark locker where it sat with the other imaginary children I had been stealing. Don’t worry, yours was not the only one. There was plenty in that dark school locker where I had tons of VHS stacked up next to it. I would demand something horrible, something that might shock you. Cookies and candy bars were a normal ransom, but if the ransom was not paid…

Their tears taste delicious.

I baked your flour baby the next day. That right, the abundance of chocolate chip cookies that I would bring in. Amazing banana cake, I would cook you your own flour baby…. and let you eat it the next day. The sweet offering like some twisted mishap, you never knew it was coming like this. the smile when you were given the rest of the platter. Knowing your baby and some others babies were mixed together.Baked to golden perfection and served to you and your friends.
Why you say?

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs.

Because Hannibal Lecter is my Idol, and I am really good at baking.

My Daughter Lazera

More me then I could ever be.

I have had the privilege of raising my daughter Lazera, she is a handful, she likes to do what you tell her not to and she is four so she is a monkey that knows no bounds. I owe a lot of grey strands to her and her sister Alex. But for now this one is just on my daughter Laz.

This is my Rifle this is my Gun!

This is my Rifle this is my Gun!

Lazera is an interesting child, but to view her from the outside I must look like a horrible parent. My daughter loves new words and tries her best to use new words constantly. So when I explained to her the different between the dogs and people we brought in to a species discussion about humans and canines. I wonder at times what the neighbors are thinking and I cannot help but laugh.

Like most young children Lazera has her imaginary friend. From years of Girl scouts and activities with little ones imaginary friends comes in all kinds of shapes ans sizes. Lazera however has, Sam Riccardo. Sam Riccardo is not your normal grade Imaginary friend, I noticed most imaginary friends were usually ambitions to get something you wanted without actually asking, or to place the blame on someone who was never there.

Sam Riccardo, would never do a thing like that, instead he was high-caliber Imaginary Friend. He was a secret agent, a spy if you will who was out on missions across the world. Doing what? Killing the bad-guys. Can you fathom what this means in any matter? My daughter picks a guy a bad guy that is some where in the world. Sam Riccardo goes and leaves on business and doesn’t return for months. But when he does, she gets told of the bad-guys end.

Secret Agent – Sam Riccardo – Bad Guy Hunter

She also has a habit of leading the children around her, and my 11 year-old cannot stand up to her even when she is twice her size and three times her mass. There is something sinister about my four-year old certain things are beyond her comprehension but she gathered quickly. For instance, she once came in asking what a tampon was. I told her during a little while of the week women have some abdominal pains which can lead to stress and short-tempered actions. It is best to take care of the problem with these and bananas. She asked me if they helped and I said yes, yes they do.

A month or two later I am having a very heated discussion on what it takes to sweep the floor and the result of a fully swept floor with my 11 year old. It was the 34,602nd time that I needed to explain the fundamentals of sweeping. I think Lazera caught on to how upset I was. With that she understood the problems it may had been, she returned a moment later with a sealed tampon in hand. “Here you are mommy you need one of these so you Must be on your period. ”

Yes…yes you are.

I should have died laughing but I could not get the bottom of my jaw off the floor.

One of the things I like to do as a parent is teach my kids words that they are not used to. Longer scientific words, Homo sapien sapien. Which there is still debate in the house whether or not that term is correct. But this tale embarks on a very vivid child with dimples and curls in the seat of her shopping cart as she held on with both hands.
“Mommy what is that?” She said as she was eyeing the odd-looking squash.
“That is an Acorn Squash.”
“Oh alright then and what are you?”
As if I was going to answer another form of squash I looked to her and said. “I am a human being, we are considered to be Homo Sapien Sapien.”
She looked to me and said the words several times differently. “You are a human, I’m a human… ” Later on it would occur to me just how much we sounded like Aliens from another planet to people on the street. My daughter would gracefully stand at the fence just as happy as she could be and speak to the people walking by.
“Hello Human! Are you enjoying Earth, I love Earth my favorite planet.”
I could just stand there and laugh to my self some times at the cuteness but then she gets this odd look when I ask her what she is doing. She turns her head side ways and scrunches up her hands as if she has some muscular compulsive action to curl her body.

I was talking to the humans.

I was talking to the humans.

So after this course of action I decided in the grocery store it was time to teach her the next word that would ruin me in public. Homo Sapien Sapien. This was my worst mistake ever. She was going through the store being super cute and I was being ultra proud. There was nothing holding her back from being happy. We get in to the line with a large cart full of groceries.
And then it began, the stars suddenly aligned and the signs of the Omen were upon me. Lazera was bouncing in her seat, and the beautiful words her mother had taught her spewed from her lip in a ray and ocean of racism.
“Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo !”

Parenting Nightmare! 101

There was no way I could escape the stares, with luck I began tossing what I could of the groceries on to the conveyor belt. It was not like she was being silent, oh no, this wasn’t in talking tone either she was practically singing this as aloud and strong as she could without screaming it. Her voice echoed and here I am poking my finger… “shhh stop that it’s not nice, shhhh don’t say that.. ”
My daughter the proud. To proud to hide that brand new word of hers. To proud to let the shh of her mother stop her from showing the world the new word she was taught. ” Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo !”
The woman in the line was now staring, so much that one customer had left and the manager came over to bag the bags. The looks were horrid and I begin trying to bribe. “Shh if your be quiet mommy will give you candy.”
Muwahahahah sit vile woman! you taught this child these words and now you must suffer the wrath of everyone around you.
At this point, I was wishing that I had only tried purchasing two items. But no, I am an Extreme Coupon-er want-a-be. We are in this line for the long haul, the embarrassing long haul.
In all my wisdom I can feel myself getting possessed by Captain Picard. Shut Up Wesley was rolling in my mind while I can completely envision his epic face palming picture. My belief in the education in this one were failing.
“You’re a homo I’m a homo we are all a homo!”
My daughter sang about homo’s till the point I was about to cry and very much more red than the tomatoes that I was purchasing. I was at a loss. There was no hope for me. I was going to be forever banned as a LTBG Hater who was teaching her children the same. This was my devastation. Then suddenly in the symphony of song she ended her tune…

“HOMO SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNN!”
I breathed out and some people calmed another few laughed. I was relieved. She moved in the seat grinning.
“Did you like my song momma?”
Red faced I looked at her and pushed the candy bar in her mouth.  My Little Laz.

She talks to Jesus because no one could understand her.

She talks to Jesus because no one could understand her.

Lazera has this way of making things funny without meaning to but her comedic timing has had me dying enough times they should have had some tombstones made for me by now. On this past New Years Day Lazera came in to the living room where Travis and I were passed out.  When we woke she wanted something answered.
“Mother did you an Daddy stay up all night.”
To which the response was.
“Yes yes we did.”
Lazera looked over the both of us and rolled her eyes with a sigh as she crossed her arms.
“(Sigh) Waste of humans… ”

I will free you from your chains Sam Riccardo is on his way.

I will free you from your chains Sam Riccardo is on his way.

Revenge of the Rooster

 

It is bad enough that there are some issue with me and poultry, on the lower scale it has been one of my main sources of meat throughout my whole life. I have been a huge fan of the cooked winged species; it’s something deep inside me, a dark corner of my existence that revels in the pleasure of watching my fallen enemy battered in his young and then lowered down in to a large vat of oil and fried to my delight. For a moment , I feel like a supreme villain, finally getting my revenge on Bond.

bondAnd now suffer through my monologues!

It is my understanding that there was nothing more pleasing then the demise of all of Tyson’s army. I can pick up a fried chicken between my fingers and mentally tell it to run. When I am at Six Flags there is nothing that curls my lips more to smile then the smoked turkey legs. Part of me will always smile when it comes to the destruction of the fowl.

joker 2This Town Needs An Enema!

Little did I know, the Zombie Rooster was going to take care of us once more. It’s plan was so cunning that even his adventure of destruction in my childhood could not be compared to this one single moment. Ulysses S. Grant, you would have been proud of this Roosters tactics, straight out explicit chemical warfare. Though this does not take place until years later.

My father and the rest of us were unsuspecting of this plot against us. It was a war that could of gone off at any one of us, given any free amount of time. But the time bomb was set, and my father was the unsuspecting victim.  The rest of us were forced to follow and witness this in a horror that would forever make us hate certain items sold. There is no doubt in my heart that the rooster was responsible for this perfection set up. I am sure if I looked up the exact date and time this would have been close to the anniversary of its death.

 roosterzombie

 My revenge… oh the carnage.

It may have been a coincidence, it may have been just a special moment but there was a something strange about that evening.  The omnibus glow about the moon should have been a key sign. The rolling of the single plastic bag in the parking lot like a tumbleweed could have given us a fair warning that a show down was about to begin. It all began when my father had come to pick us up in the 1957 Chevy that had been spray painted with a very dull cheap spray paint so it looked like the car was running on ice cream. The car looked fake, as if someone had made it from cotton white; there was no sheen to it what so ever. The car had two seat belts but was a box of strong steel anything that touched it was going to crush against the good old American Muscle; the ‘57 could be used as missile if someone really wanted to. That someone was not my father, he drives like me five miles below the speed limit. Good driving citizens we have no reason to want to be pulled over ever.

We were to head to his house; normally we have this tradition we drive in to Sullivan and we hit Flying Jays, this is a key clue to knowing if dad was paid by the people who hire him for taxidermy.  This was one of the moments he was not paid that much and work was slow. Wal-Mart HO! Super Center awaits us, upon the back of battle Chevy we drive the long distance and get in to the parking lot, my brother and I immediately know it’s another weekend of dad singing behind a deer head and me and him on a couch with the filled cabinets of VHS movies and head cleaner mileage.

This was the weekend...Joy

This was the weekend…Joy

This time however there was something dark, and mysterious there were crows out and I’m sure pigeons too were gathering about murder Tyson. The rumor was spread among the rest of the fowl nation and they had come to a decision.  It seemed there was more than normal, or maybe it is just my imagination but they were gathering like the weird beginning of a Hitchcock Film.

Mitch Brenner: You're just a poor, innocent victim of circumstances, huh?

Mitch Brenner: You’re just a poor, innocent victim of circumstances, huh?

Brian, a pen pal and long distant friend had a radar when I was in town, but actually he was probably my longest known friend that I spent the least amount of time with. I saw him for maybe 30 seconds before my father would weird out about whatever offspring’s he could picture us having, he was a nice guy who went at his own pace and he was always sweet, the part that worried my father was the massive amounts of hair on his arms and legs. To me it was normal and thankfully for hair you could treat that, but this was beyond the comprehension of my father. Dad was mean… very mean to Brian.

 You are still my friend Brian and I am sorry…

 So if you can ignore the odd insane way my dad was about Brian we can get along with the story. We traveled to the back left of the super Wal-Mart where all your dreams of ICEE, hot dogs and Rotisserie Chicken was located. We went through getting the thing we traditionally bought:  two chickens, some chips, two ICEEs along with one Pepsi. We sat and began the family feast of and discussed what we had done since the last time we were here. Dad went to eating his chicken and this is where things went dark. It’s odd but I don’t remember anything being said, the graphics and mental play back was nothing in comparison to what was going on. By the time we had all finished little did we know there was a battle waging war in the stomach of my father. Where I love my peppers, black pepper, green, jalapeno, white pepper, wasabe and so on, my was the opposite. I am not sure what it was within him, whether it was an allergy, or perhaps it was an ulcer but the man could not handle pepper, even to the lowest of grades of simple black pepper. He was from a world of Lawry’s Garlic Salt with Parsley which is still today the world’s best Garlic Salt. (Trust me it is amazing.)

This must have been compared to the Battle of the Roses, where every time you turned around there was another over throw of a monarch and it goes on and on.

We had just gone down one of the isle, looking over the movies that we needed to buy. The last of the VHS that were still in the large tubs that you might want to swim through if you had the intangibility of Scrooge McDuck.There was plenty of labels to go through, names that Wal*Mart had to offer. And much like the DVD bins they have today it was about twelve movies just dozens of copies of them scattered in the bowl. Even though you can clearly see them displayed about the outside you have this Idea that something amazing might be down in there.

Admit it, as a kid, this was the most awesome skill ever.

My brother and I picked up VHS’s and held them up to each other debating what one we were about to watch. It was close, like death had breathed against the back of our necks, at that point we had turned to see our father looking much like the Walking Dead, his face had gone pale and it began to produce oils that I seriously did not think he was capable of producing.His body twitched as it hung over and the life was being sapped from him. It was strange watching this being in my fathers flesh, he moved in a staggering way, his limbs hung down like sacks of tubed bologna and he still had no clue what to do with them. Those eyes were soulless, rolling in the back of his head, one could only imagine the sheer pain he must of been going through.

Dad, I think you look a little... Dead.

Dad, I think you look a little… Dead.

He took off like a blaze to the medical isle and we rushed behind him following. Irl was pushed in his wheel chair just about as fast as life would take him. There was the screech of the winds around us and as we turned the corner Dad had opened the bottle of Pepto-Bismol and began to drink the whole thing…chug… after disgusting chug. It was not just one bottle.. Oh no, that would be too easy, but this was two.

The most disgusting thing on the planet.

The most disgusting thing on the planet.

Before we get in to this, you might want to walk away from this story, I will let you know I am a person who hates pink. No it wasn’t because I was a Tomboy, or because I preferred solid colors to pastels, it was because of the next horrific moments of this tale. We had thought my father was doing better, in fact we had gathered one more bottle sealed just in case that there would be something to help him with the burn he was experiencing. What would it to have been like in the war going on in his stomach. There was parts of fowl that were commanding their ships of pepper through the canals of acid and Pepto, stirring and swaying enough to give his liver a harsh case of sea sickness.

It’s like my dad threw up an old lady and dog.

There was light in this tunnel for a moment we managed to make it to the cereal aisle where my brother had taken his hand towards the box of Lucky Charms. My dad had reached his hand up and all I could think of was the expression on his face. I didn’t know if he was about to bust out in a Micheal Jackson solo or if he thought he was Kirby and about to suck in the entire shelf.

Oddest Comparison Yet

Oddest Comparison Yet

Both options were wrong though, he instead would turn his mouth up ward and the sea of Pepto was released. Lucky charms boxes and the isle of the cereal were getting sprayed by the most amount of liquid I have ever seen shoot out of someone. It was like he was drinking from the fire hose. This had to be the worst case I had ever seen. I am still scared to this day, the smell of Pepto-Bismol makes me nauseated. The idea of taking it immediately makes me want to vomit and this is with all knowing making my stomach do Yippy the dog back flips as I write this.  This was hell, its a hell known by the staff of any hospital, its the horror known by the janitors of any school. The pink vomit, this is not something that is easy to clean up. Remember, this vile drink is suppose to coat your stomach, no matter how hard you try you will be swashing it about the floor for hours. Everything it touches needs to be placed in Hazardous Wastes. There was only one kind of horror for what was done. There is only one scene ever made in history that could compare his actions to it, Stand By Me and the Lard-Ass Scene.

It was there that chunks of undigested chicken and chips began to fly out with seas of pink and brown oil. The amount of product that was damaged was just too much to claim. He didn’t stand in one spot to have this Vomit-tron fest to continue, no instead he moved running down the aisle as the ground and merchandise were getting sprayed.Too much yet? Yeah I am not even half way done.

charmsThey are disgusting not nutritious!

My brother and I stood there with our mouths hanging inches over the sea of disgust, we turned and looked to the Box of cereal we were about to get. The happy leprechaun looked like something out of a TromaVille movie, its face was distorted as bits and chunks began to fall  down the front of it and drizzle down the sides. We could of gone to the next isle backed out the way we came and followed through but no we were 12 and 10, we rushed after him, my brother and I slid through the hallway only in comparison to Micheal J. Fox and his one walking through in Teen Wolf. sliding hallMost graceful slide ever.

We rushed down the hall where he had not choice but to follow the pink trail of pink fluffy unicorn bits. Dad had taken off and despite our sliding efforts he had ran so far ahead of us we were lost. We had nothing to go by but the staggering feet prints through out the pink ooze. Isle of food and clothing had been sprayed it was something out of a true Wax-museum horror. My brother and I stood dumbfounded wondering why in the world did we not get sick, why it was just dad? I opened the cart of things we had bought and looked to check the receipt.. LP. Lemon Pepper.

There was a look to the other people of Wal*Mart part of me now wondered if they gave 95 percent off on Partially vomited Items, or was this just a loss for the whole store. That was the moment when the loving kind heated staff and over the counter Pharmacists came to meet my dad in the bathroom. I turned my head my heart was beating so fast a woman came up to the side wiping the vomit off my coat and helping with the wheels of my brothers chair. I looked at the face of Brian… in his hand was a mop and bucket. I say this again. I am so… sorry Brian.

My dad turned out to be fine, he was sick though his wolf shirt was stained pink and was tossed out. I was completely disgusted and asked dad if we could never go there to eat again. He solemnly agreed. That weekend dad wasn’t behind the deer. He was in bed and we watched the main bits of merchandise that was vomit free was playing in the VHS.

I declare you the victor Rooster. Least of that battle.

Fish Hooks and Family

As requested by my second mom, was to make the fish hook story. I was not there for everything that had went on, but in the Ditch family nothing is under done. Everything went off in a big affect. It was often a toss up between my Aunt Sharron’s home and my Aunt Melinda’s I have always loved my Aunt Sharron’s house it was like a race track. There was this ring and as kids we would run around it make laps like NASCAR fans. Anytime we came to visit some how there was a chase about her house. And it was always in one direction. The speed we would gather as little kids.

MjAxMi0wMTk2OTljM2UzNDg4YWRhI wonder what’s gonna happen?

This time we were at My Aunt Melinda’s, don’t get me wrong my family is very tightly wound together, unless you are me. I stopped going to church shortly after my mother and father were separated. I stopped believing in Christianity shortly after my Aunt -Nameless- had moved in with me, and I stopped wanting to be around people who would bring up the bad memories and ask the wrong things. So I left a lot of conversations both physically and mentally.

So when it came to true family I tried not to speak of the bad as much as possible. I found a slightly peaceful and almost romantic religion. Reading the main basics of their teachings I have moved on to being a Buddhist, this happened around the time when I was 20, one of the few decisions I got to actually make in my life. It’s awkward to be cause I have this odd attraction to the eastern cultures of the orient. I have a friend who I constantly joke with about having yellow fever. Bruce Lee had paved the path and everyone else seemed to follow through. Then you add the spiritualist of the Tibetan Monks, you might as well just let me sit and be a vegetable in awe. I was not until I moved to Texas for a few months and got to witness them first hand. We lived right across the temple and we had little to do, but the few times we walked by they happened to be the most kind and gentle creatures who walked the planet. So to top it off chalk up obsessed with guys in the orange robes. Changing religions  seemed to be one of those decisions that were never regretted.

138817966.VHlg3DKh

If you have ever heard me fan-girling I am right now.

Side tracking. Our family is kind of large I have dozens of cousins just one one side, and easy few dozens on another side. I have so many Aunts I do not think I ever actually sat down and counted them all. Its odd because a lot of my cousins and I are related to more then once. Take my cousin Jess, myself and our brothers are related in a few ways but there is no incest or anything like that its just the odd way that it seemed to happen. Even though time and time again it seemed to be something distinctly evil the way the others put it.. “your family tree doesn’t fork.” No ours just does like a figure eight some where in it.

crazy-road-sign1Parts of my family tree, or a traffic sign you decide.

Her grandmother and my grandmother are sisters (and oddly enough they are both on our Mother’s side.) Leading to our mothers being first cousins, so that automatically makes us second cousins. Right after that my dad, and her father are brothers. So we are first Cousins by our dads Second Cousins by our mothers. When it comes to our dads, think of long hair in the 70’s one with a fashion sense only the rich British could envy and the other a backwoods man spurred on hunting and Elvis. Take a wild guess which one was my father, you only get one try. So these suave brothers come across this pair of cousins and then starts the relationships. Leading to marriage, one having their hair all nice and neat and straight looking dignified, and than the other looking like they stuck their fingers in to an electric socket then twisted their hair in tight curls. This is the second time you get to guess, again you only get one guess, so which one was my parents wedding?

CookieYup, you guessed it, here is your cookie.

So our very large family  is having either a Thanksgiving or Christmas, I am not sure exactly which one it was, but the whole family was there. The table was set up in beautifully, family was catching up and Aunt Melinda was a buzz with her amazing heart and good nature spirit perhaps the best god mother a person could hope for. It was a card Christmas people would laugh and hug each others talk about the good things in life. Hallmark should pay us for some of our family photos. Completely different then my other side of the family, that is a story for another time. So the fires warm there is music playing the 3rd generations of cousins are all trying to figure out who to play with. And my dad shows up, his beautiful wife Sara and there were two things that were off about him. The first thing I noticed was he was sprouting hair from the bottom of his knees and it touched the ground.

il_430xN.85609612Some where there is a Wookie walking about on peg legs.

Honestly I was staring at his feet for way to long there were certain things that once you get them in my head I begin to question all reality. I am a fan of Bigfoot, and odd legends of the unknown but I am not out there demanding that I have seen them, there might of been a strange slow in the evolutionary chain for some beings, or there might have been a few college boys strutting across Washington. Either way seeing him stand there I felt sorry. My father being the taxidermist that he is, I had to sit back and wonder what animal got butchered for this horrible fashion decision? I under stand that when you kill an animal you use everything but this poor creatures life was being put to shame by having feet shoved in to his carcass and paraded about like Go Go dancers last wish.

Those shoes were some how attached to jeans that went on to my dad, on up to his wolf pattern shirt his Texas Bola tie and Bear Claw necklace that hung about his neck on up to his nose. There there was a piece of metal that only a true fisherman would be ashamed to see happen and only a punk rocker could envy.

johnny-rotten

Oi! I should of thought of that!

My father had a 3 pronged barbed fish hook in his nose and not a small one either this was at least 2 inches long. “Sarah really hooked me this time.” My poor step mom was so embarrassed as he placed the blame on her. You can hear her in the back room. “I told him to take it out before he got here. But he wanted to keep it in. ” My dad finds things that are oddly humorous.  Come on the man makes own faces out of a deers rear end how can he not be? He went about the table striking up conversations I wish I had a camera to just capture everyone’s face that was made. Some where bizarre others were worried but the majority of the faces were wondering what he was going to do next.

Sakuma535But it’s so cool everyone will be wearing one!

My dad knew I was in to tattoos and piercings and wanted to get it UN-pierced at a shop. I could actually see him walk in to one of the shops wanting to get unperceived and then wanting to get a refund for a piercing they never gave. So every person has to see it. It was side show Bob. The Main attraction of the night was the hook in his story. Do you know how big the family is, so when a cousin comes over, doesn’t matter what time they see me the conversation always starts off with.. “Did you see your Dad?” That pretty much sums up the beginning of every conversation in my life with my family. Its an epic face planting moment where every time I can fell my spiritual hand slipping over my flesh and trying to peel it off. His sisters and brothers were telling him he needed to figure out what he was going to do about it. Dad was set one getting this out by means of no less then a band of British punks who carried spiked hair, Mohawks, piercings and flame throwers. That was the way he wanted it out and that was the way it was going to happen. It was talked about and looked at a few times he was told to go to the hospital and get help.

hook-in-noseIt’s only a flesh wound.

My family sat down to eat, the breathtaking table of this beautiful meal that my aunt had worked so hard at preparing.  Another almost Hallmark moment if you could just pan over the metal art attached to my dad’s face. It was hard to pray, I don’t think a single one of us prayed for ourselves. I am sure I am not the only one who cracked an eye at that piece he had in his face. It was metal, perhaps magnetized or it was directly in the center of his face it was hard to talk to him and not Captain Hook who was resting peacefully in a nostril. There was this moment in silence when they all prayed. None of asked for something for ourselves, I am more then certain every single one of them was praying the same thing..

tumblr_lqt6clfW3z1qzzsd3o1_400Oh Lord bless this, thy hand grenade.

“Dear lord, please get that hook out of his nose… ” then the head whisper. “No one can eat staring at thing.” So he wiggles his nose like he is some kind of a rabbit, the barbed metal becomes an icon like Punxsutawney Phill, the hook was deciding if it was going to leave his nose and start an early sanity, or see its shadow and stay hooked and allow 6 more weeks of face palming. I am not sure how it Houdini-ed it’s way out of his nose but some how this barbed hook slid out with not so much of a drop blood on the banquette meal that was made. On sneeze after prayer and it was shot out on to his plate. There was a moment of complete relief where Sarah and I realized there is a higher power watching over us. There is someone listening to the random wishes of the mortal realms not sure who it is but I thank you all! Dinner was saved!

b christThank you Jesus!

Death of a Rooster

There are interesting ways the farm teaches you about death before any other area. You have that creature you love to feed and months later its laid out on the family table, stuffed and filled with vegetables that it use to run in. It is interesting when you think of the first death you have to experience. Not like a person, those are often more traumatic, often… Remember the words right here, often. The first death I ever physically witnessed was done by my father, out of all things it was a rooster, not just any ordinary rooster, and evil one.

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Scariest thing on the Planet.

I was under the impression for my birthday I could have my party the way I wanted to, this was acceptable, and I was in love with Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. He was the most splendid boy to ever not touch the world. I remember countless nights leaving my window open and was waiting for him to take me away. Peter Pan was very intelligent, he must have been a doctor in a previous life, he knew I was getting sick and needed my mother. So, he left me there to get pampered the next day.  When I was turning five I had decided we were going to have a party with a Tinkerbell and Pirate theme. Everyone from church and the community down the road was invited.

peterThey say you never get over your first love.

To prepare for this event there were things that were needed, Jason who lived down the road was lucky enough to be on a fruit and vegetable farm. This was the breaking in to my addiction. A horrible addiction one that only myself and Scooby Doo truly understand. There is something sinister about Velma, and the other members of Mystery Incorporated. I always tend to look at Scooby-Doo like a victim of circumstance. Scooby just wants to sit back and chill with his snacks in the Mystery Machine. While the others take his addiction and give him a type of pressure that only one with an addiction can suffer from.

scoob

When offered he is normally accepting but there are times his will power gets up so high he mutters the sound “Ruh-uh.” And this is his version of no, its normally followed by the shaking of his head. So his peers once more place an offer, this time knowing he will want more they up the anti. Scooby… I understand your pain. My addiction was strawberries, is strawberries. The neighbors farm had an entire acre that was given to just strawberries.

double-strawberryLet me just wipe that drool off the screen.

So my mother could get me to do about any task she wanted if she had a serious stash of strawberries. However, they were only a stash till I found them, then it was on, there was a discovery waiting to happen and it was my want in life to have an OD experience from strawberries. More often then not, I had devoured them all til I felt sick, sickly sick, the only kind cartoons feel where their face changes to the green color and their skin begins to lose it’s elasticity and droop off your face. Yes that kind of sick, shortly after I would pass out wake up refreshed and ready to try my hand at finding the other strawberries the next morning. No, there was no lesson learned there, to this day I am still defying the amount of strawberry consumption each chance I get.

sticker,375x360We had to gather an assortment of fruits for this party, so we had fruits of all kind even those I did not like or want to touch the fruit I loved dearly, in fear that the flavor of one would some how infect the flavor of another.  Mother had decided to make the game of Hide and Treat. It was like Easter there was piles of fruit in various spots through out the property and you had a basket that you had to fill. At the party we had just started this game. The eight of us rushed off in different directions and tried out best to find what fruits we could. This was an easy task and should have been a simple game but little did I know, I was going to be a victim of a most brutal assault.

Earlier that day the chickens were to be fed. The rooster, however normally ran about the farm doing what ever rooster things he wished. He must of been away when the corn bits were tossed in the golden glints on to the ground, or to be jumped upon by the chickens close by. This rooster must have skipped out on it. When he came around the corner, he was strutting. He must have been plotting what was going to happen. Walk up, check out the fruit, scare child, collect fruit and complete farm domination.  When the rooster had decided my pile was his, he displayed so by looking at me and cocking his head to the side.

roscocOh no girl, those ain’t yours uhhh uh.

It was questioning me on every move I made, every bond I break, every breath I take! It was worse then the Sting Stalker Singles that they use to sell! I had nothing more to do but decide to take my basket and try to shoo the rooster away. In my mind I had this planned out, one fail swing and down goes Tyson. But this was not the case. Tyson had other plans. I swung and Tyson moved in for the kill.

It was a run by wing buffing, left shots and right shots and no one could even see it coming, Tyson was a destroyer of dreams he was a goblin of desires and much like the Goblin King, he told me to turn back with his demonic bawk bawk. I was scared so I fled back to the table to get some reinforcements, I could of grabbed another pile of fruit and went on but this.. no, no this was needed. There was a lot going on in my mind. Did that rooster just challenge me? The most awesome Tiger Lilly to ever run with Peter Pan! No this was not happening! I refused to accept this I could feel it in every bone of my body, If I had known what chicken was made in to I would of been running for with full Braveheart Charge!

BraveheartThey might take our lives but they can  never take our strawberries!

It was at the moment of the yell, I felt like Leonidus, for my roar was strong and long. I am sure it echoed and reached every inch of the property. Still that rooster was not going to budge, I charged at it and it drew back and carried a weapon I had never known to exist. Its beak! I was unprepared I admit it, I waged war thinking I could over throw this, I was a fool, I was underestimating Tyson… At this very moment. I was General Custer.

Custer_Portrait_RestoredWhere’d all these Indians come from?

It was then that I knew this was bad. I was being pecked to death, the bird had become a massive beast set upon ripping the strawberries apart like well starved raptor. I knew that I was going to perish Tyson was not going to let me survive this, and much like the now chosen name of this rooster I remember many various bites to the ears. I had fallen down, victim to the insane skill the rooster was displaying it jumped on my back pushing talons on my shoulders and started to scratch, it came down with its beak, pecking at my neck. My father came in like Superman, but he looked more like Patrick Swayze.

superswayze He came in like a 49er, kicked the rooster like a field goal, it was mom and dad who leaned up my scratches and made sure I was all right. My dad had a big determination that evening, he took me out in to the chickens and he went with me and pulled out the rooster who had attacked me and was my victor in combat. I was a  very angered child, not even a single strawberry. When my father asked me if that was the chicken that had scratched me, I felt like Emperor Nero.

rome_thumbs_down1

Thumbs… Down.

My father wanted me to see this and to understand I suppose of what was going to happen, he pulled out one of the largest knives we had for the cutting meat and he drug me out to wards the chopping post. The next few parts will get a little graphic living on the farm there is always some animal violence. So, sorry PETA. When we got out there mom had tied the rooster to the post.  I had no clue of the outcome of when a rooster or chicken dies, I had thought they fall lifeless to the ground and soon become the instrument of awesome in a WhizBang! However there was this stare that the Rooster gave me that I will never forget.

meanrosBawk Bawk….

The rooster expression was cold and calculated. Little did I know he was summoning the seed of Satan. I did not know there was things like Zombies. But that rooster was a zombie. Normally the chicken was tied both at the head and the legs to the post to make things quick and simple. However it was just a tie about the head, this must have been the roosters last request. My father moved to swing at the rooster, and plop came off the head dangling from a single string. The next pieces have haunted me for ever.

no

Its head hung there off the rope the same stare and evil look in its eyes as it watched me. Suddenly, the body began to move running after me and catching up. It was the Walking Dead the Poultry Edition. The bird was moving at speeds I didn’t think possible every time I turned around it was there with No-head, leaning and following me. It was like Mike the chicken with out a head but its evil possessed brother. I ran away from the area and it was still on my heels the every presence of this spawn of Satan was following me. I remember thinking “I will never eat chicken again or eggs or anything that has feathers. ” I was praying some how this bird was going to get me again. My screams were surrounded and as I ran I heard a sound behind me it was like the wind; it was something like a tomahawk. The sudden impact turned my attention back. I stood there my heart was racing as I stared to the size of the machete that was stuck in to the bird and in the tree.

I stood there in awe, in relief, as a saved by the man my father and his beastly arm that slaughtered off the demonic rooster. My father had turned to me and in that moment of his awestruck epicness. He leaned down to me and said at that moment.

“He’s not going to hurt you again now is he?”

No dad, he won’t. I stood there watching the corpse till the last bit of life twitched from his form. I stared knowing I was saved. There was something in me that understood what was coming next for me in life..

Fried chicken.