This is something I wanted to make the text for the letting can change but who knows what else I might at, I am thinking of the Lotus flower behind it possibly. But there is a lot more work to consider it. But this is the start.
I walk along a road paved with glass
Splitting the souls of my feet as time continues to pass
the aching walk I have done I do alone
allowing me to bleed till long after I’m gone
I dont expect you to run to my aid
I dont want you to be there when I cave
falling to my hands and knees
where the slits continue to cover me
It is the blanket of depression
that wraps about my confession
in truth it gags me unconditionally
robbing the chords to speak freely.
I do not ask for you to walk beside me.
this path is mine alone so let me be
Maybe one day I can wander off
Finally free of this blood stained cough.
It is a mechanism
that covers up the soul
It is a chance of forgetting
the all brutality that conintues to eat me whole
it wraps in chains and sways it form
dangeling on thee hook
but the bait if over made
the chord is carried taunt
I want to never give a secon look
Each bloody step in its profound march
leaves me towards the light and from the dark
Something yearning in embers
burning where my heart remains
locked in prisons only asylumn
where none can gather truth
but the guard will stare
taunt the actions of my youth
Bleed with me on willows end
and watch the trees there weep
fight with me and to defend
the ones who carry so sweet.
for it is those eyes I gaze
unwinding and unbound
the freedom of those orbs
that I shackle my self to the groung
Suffer not the child
the coind of phrase is mine,
for I walk my path of glass
and make sure none follow behind
Carry them high on bloody steps
and let me take the pain
for thier smiles and laughter
are the memories that remain.
This is so beautiful.
What I Drank:
Amaretto and Pineapple.
A riddle of me:
I remember thinking backwards
When my stories made more sense
When lyrics came out in verse
Instead of staggered on the fence.
No words have you yet you scream in bars
What ever shall you do?
When your visions begin to dance and sway
And reality has long since left you?
Ode to a Toad
You scream hey nonnie nonnie
Repeating words like the talking butterfly
Walking around befuddled and dumb-drunkie
Tipping glasses and breaking plates
No whole in the ground you’d evict
A rightful dwarf you would make.
With less dire needs nor self crucifix
Still wondering the backwards game?
Forgotten all my rhyme?
My passion lies in things I read
Without the reason of the time.
Whats printed on the page
Or in book or tombstone head
Are things for you and I
Lest we rest upon lasts bed.
But lyrics voices and words of true
remain when best they shared.
When children sing of silly games
And legends they have heard.
For give me not my ramble scramble
and mix up of different tales
Here I am as a Kitsune
all them tied along the rails.
Nine of them for you and me,
Fine breed of readers creed
have we forgotten where I was?
Oh yes, and to speak the deed.
Manners manners forget them all,
After all this you know not me
You call to old and fiction stays
Come dance in the rain and you will see.
I am small to the eye
An inch or so
best reflected on the page
No matter what page each phrase I know
As “All the world is a stage!”
From mad scientist to sultans harem
Still no bells? My Ring-a-Ding-Ding Kid?
A libraries pet, the book worm.
You have to understand, I love my father and the things that he has done has just made him more comical, I had thought it best to include one of my own plotted out moments of revenge. I was like very few kids a very bad one when it came to five finger discounts. I admit I was then when the security tabs were first placed in to and on Cd’s. I was about when door scanners were not even installed in most places and a young teen we all had to start our bad habits somewhere. Before I was born as a Mall-rat I was a normal kid who paid for everything, with security guards who practically raised me.
I was a saint, I never wanted to steal or hurt anyone ever. But then one afternoon I had gone to the Zoo, and it changed my life forever. I had a brother who I admit was connected with on a higher level of conscious, to many times had we communicated on the same fears and aspirations each of us seemed to have. I could explain a story to someone about my brother and my brother would bring up the same story when they met that person.
He was amazing, the single best thing that I have ever known in existence. I thank the universe every day for the love we shared which was more then true unconditional but on a soul bounded kinship that words will never be able to do it justice… .
Anyway.. My saint brother had been saving up for this Safari hat, it was all he wanted when dad was going to take me and my cousin to the Zoo. It was a trip I was really excited about, but in the end it came to be something I would bring hell fire down on. I was a bit more then over protective when it came to my brother. I had no issues knocking the hell out of a lesser grader if they picked on him. Most of the time they had not but every once in a while they had, we can push it to the extent I would very much like to see you suffer over a lava pit or being given a sponge bath with sheets of broken glass. There was an -Instant Hate- literally it was like a switch it was either on or off, and trust me you never wanted it off. I can hold a grudge like a 2 year old with a cookie.
Anyway my brother goes to the zoo maybe twice ever 4 – 5 years so it was a big thing for him. Plus he got to go with Chris who he seriously loved and he was able to go with Dad as well. We got in to one of the stores and they Didn’t have the safari hats that he wanted but they had some white ones made out of cloth. We brought him in and there he was paying for something with his own money. We were all so happy, he put the hat on his head and with his heart full of light he rolled out the door.
Slightly outside this shop of hell there was a puddle and it was filled with perhaps some of the grossest things there. You have to understand we just arrived we had this idea of playing safari adventure and travel the out back and hidden jungles. We brought binoculars and were ready to document any existing creatures and study the ones we had never seen. We were set, but it was then he hit a pothole, a speed bump and off flew the hat. right directly in to the mud, granted we had purchased it just a moment before. I rushed in immediately to talk with the sales associate or the manager and they both stood there like Gandalf the White.
No, was in all the answer I remember saying.. “Its your pothole. You are really going to do that to him? ” The light switch was ON. My next comment was “I am 12 but I know you have a policy for damaged goods that you received. ” I was trying to reason with a mountain and I was failing no matter how the wind may howl the mountain will not bow. This only poured gasoline on my existing flame, the problem was I wasn’t a flame I was the Hiroshima.
I was in all moments… Katie… Kaboom.
I had decided right then and there not to give a shit, I had made one of the most adult decisions ever. Which was, what was the worst they could do? They couldn’t send me to Jail, the worst would be Juvie but I would have to steal like 500 dollars worth of items just for Juvie. I would also have to get caught. My obsession with puppetry and magic tricks to good use. I walked out at first with the a few things to see if anything had worked if an alarm would get set off and one was in plain sight, next thing i knew it was on. There wasn’t an alarm and what ever genes were on went crazy, my brother had an electric wheel chair and i am certain I ended up shoving about 300 to 500 dollars worth of items in to that chair, and my pockets when we got out it was only then anyone had seen what I had done.. My dads mouth was open, my cousin as well, same with my brother. I should of been more impressed with the fact the both of them were walking next to me the whole time. Or the fact that I was shoving things in Irl’s chair, still none were the wiser. Not a clue of them knew the kind of Cat Burglar I could of been.
A normal dad would of been Shocked. Mine was… A normal father would of scolded me.. Mine started to… it was then he looked to me as I pulled out the New and totally awesome 75 dollar safari hat that I handed it to my brother and my brother smiled. He had been depressed that whole day, he came back with more Zoo merchandise then he could ever imagine. I had at least five hand fulls of Zoo pens, I had rolled up t-shirt, animal tracks music CD, movies documentaries posters toys beanie babies that were way over priced. I had astronaut candy and various of their types of candy, I had small games and if you think I couldn’t find room I did. My dad was in horrible Awe when he saw it and more and more my brothers face was lighting up.. I felt like Robin Hood, but with an awesome cape. We paid 30 dollars for a cloth hat that was really about 4 dollars.
My brother had been crying before, down right upset at the oil and everything that was soaked in to the hat. But when he had seen my one and only Robin hood moment he gave loose a big precious moments smile. Those giant green and large pupil eyes stared deeper in to me. I could see him looking at me while I posed like Peter Pan, a common criminal. Here I am standing with my gift to you. Joy. I would honestly go a little over board when my brother cried.
I watched him light up like it was Christmas, he was the only one who said anything.. “You shouldn’t of done that… But thank you… ” My dad was like… “See this.. if they treat you like shit… Fuck ’em..” We all laughed. But me I look back on it, and out of all things the one piece that survived the years of being a kid was none of it. Except the memory, that in itself is worth it.
TO comment: Since then any time I have gone to the Zoo I have donated money, I have paid it in full but I still donate. A stain on my soul I guess. I suppose its me trying to pay them back. But in other words, its an amazing place and I was just a kid.
I am a horrible human being.
Knowing what I am about to confess is something that will haunt many in the mind and possibly in the heart as well. What I am about to confess is something much worse than I have imagined it should be. Now that I think back on my obsessions with joining the FBI and being a profiler on serial killers and kidnappers, it was all I wanted to be. I see this as an obsession. I know my weird actions in the days of old had lead me astray but I want you to know. It was me. I am sure I was spotted I am sure something was said or maybe something wasn’t said, you can reflect and yell at your classmates for what had been seen and not reported. Perhaps though.. I am that good. I could have been my own.
I secretly waited for the near end of first semester to end. I knew my targets; I watched what went on during freshmen year. With that it leads me to one tradition. I would out do them all. As a teen I had the five finger discount down to an art. But that road leads me to this. I was the prime person for the job and what was worse, was I knew it was coming. The grin could barely escape me and I was smiling. I apologize for all of you who failed Child Development. When your egg or Flour baby went missing… That is right… It was me.
I was the one writing threats and making ransom notes on your children you never took care to. You want to know why you are so paranoid about your children missing today. You are right it was me. You took the time to make a little bed for that precious egg. You took the time to make a bed for it a home for it to be sure it would not get cracked or broken. You decorated it with the best little fuzz and happy smiling little face that you could possibly make. This was your pride and joy to you. This was your Egg Baby.
Though, when I looked at it I didn’t see a baby, I saw an omelet. I could see that cracked thing with broken shell and the yolk slipping in to the pan. I can’t help but curl a grin. I grew up on the Incredible Edible egg commercials and overall it is one of my favorite foods so versatile and used in nearly everything. My mouth watered, I was nice… if you really worked hard on your basket it was left, with an equally small ransom note. I was taking an Egg every few days. I should of sought out counseling but when I had it only fed my ambition.
You would talk a little too long to the crush you so badly wanted to get with while leaving your child 3 inches from you at your desk. One single bathroom break and the flour baby was gone. I watched your face in shock, and how you asked. No one would answer, no one would say what was to happen.
Your baby was taken to a closed dark locker where it sat with the other imaginary children I had been stealing. Don’t worry, yours was not the only one. There was plenty in that dark school locker where I had tons of VHS stacked up next to it. I would demand something horrible, something that might shock you. Cookies and candy bars were a normal ransom, but if the ransom was not paid…
I baked your flour baby the next day. That right, the abundance of chocolate chip cookies that I would bring in. Amazing banana cake, I would cook you your own flour baby…. and let you eat it the next day. The sweet offering like some twisted mishap, you never knew it was coming like this. the smile when you were given the rest of the platter. Knowing your baby and some others babies were mixed together.Baked to golden perfection and served to you and your friends.
Why you say?
Because Hannibal Lecter is my Idol, and I am really good at baking.
Alright I have my reason for hating birds and chickens but that is not a case of being afraid. I have an Dr. Jones fear of Snakes and Possums. Snakes though I freeze up I can’t really handle along with silverfish. Silverfish has always creep me out as well. But nothing like Snakes. In the summer of Missouri it will get hot, intense heat of 120. When you are growing up on the farm there is not much you are not allowed to explore. I was allowed the whole back yard, and any fence I could hop over so long as we did not deal with the road in front of our house that caused the death of so many pets and animals.
It was brought to my attention that there was a number of baby chicks missing. I was in charge of counting them and 8 was the number I had to count to every morning. At this time I saw something move beneath the leaves in the yard and ran to get my father. My father was still in his days of He-Man and Conan the Barbarian. I ran up to the house faster then Sweet Brown.
After about ten minutes of convincing my dad what me and Dr. Jones knew to be true that, there were snakes and they were in our back yard and worse then that was they were near the house and chicken coop. Now this was not a small population. what so ever, then again it may had been after all I am personally taking a step back in to my mind of a 5 year old girl. A very frightened five year old. It seemed our house was amazing it was a little of a hill not much butt the incline kept rain water washing away, we had a crawlspace under the house that was dry and heated. The fire place heated both the above and some of the crawlspace in the winter.
It came to our attention later on how bad the set up was for snakes. We had a constant incubator going. Cast iron stove to cook on and a fire place, the fireplace alone set everything up for the snakes to live and breed and snag what ever baby pets were about. This is the main reason the bunny population never went anywhere. We had a snake problem and we knew it wqas close we went hunting out by the trash area, the barn under the chicken coop and nothing. My dad and Whiskey, our amazing dog who was an alcoholic and would not drink any water unless you placed a shot of whiskey in it, decided to go out and try and find the snake whiskey had chased the snake through the leaves towards our long driveway.
By this time our whole family was out there to see what the hell was going on. This snake must have been living under the house for years said the Missouri Conservation at Mermac State park. The snake had a home underneath the crawlspace of our home and not just him several others of his kin lived there as well. My dad took it upon himself with his no fear of the wild to go and grab this snake. He finally caught up with it and grabbed it from the tail and lifted the tail end up in the air. Dad had said you can swing a snake like a whip and pop the head off. and I think that was going to be his attempt however he was helicoptering it. from the tail he was swinging the snake high above in the air.
Our dog was jumping with joy at the thought of the play toy that was going about in circles.
Our whole family ran out to see what was going on and we were in shock at the size of this snake let alone Conan the Daddian was out there defending the property off like any other Caveman possibly could. Whiskey had jumped up and finally clamped down on the head of the snake. The snake popped in half. It broke in half dad was painting the air with a small bit of blood and then there was Whiskey who was treating the snake like a pair of shoes out to destroy. Out popped three suffocated baby chicks.
As a child I was mortified. I never wanted to be wrapped in a blanket, I didn’t want to step foot outside, we had to get under the house evacuated because of all the snakes. My mother and father came up with a brilliant idea. they were going to make a snake cake, I loved sweets so if maybe I ate the snake cake then it would be OK, I wouldn’t be afraid of snakes.
Just plain… NO.
I refused to eat that cake, they could of dolled it up with Caramellos and truffles and I was still not going to touch that cake. It was going to rot, they were kind enough to CUT OFF THE HEAD, and place it on my own plate. It was bad, but what was worse was Whiskey our beloved alcoholic. Decided he was going to chew and EAT the damn thing. So while father thought this was the perfect idea on how to get me over my fears I ran for my life. No shoes or nothing.
I took off through the kitchen went to my room and ducked under covers. Mother made me a sandwich while the rest of the family had spaghetti, thankfully I didn’t come to dinner, Cause I love Spaghetti.
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If there’s one topic that writers can be counted on to tackle at least once in their working lives, it’s writing itself. A good thing too, especially for all those aspiring writers out there looking for a little bit of guidance. For some winter inspiration and honing of your craft, here you’ll find ten great essays on writing, from the classic to the contemporary, from the specific to the all-encompassing. Note: there are many, many, many great essays on writing. Bias has been extended here to personal favorites and those available to read online. Also of note but not included: full books on the subject like Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird, Stephen King’s On Writing, and Ron Carlson’s Ron Carlson Writes a Story, or, in a somewhat different sense, David Shields’ Reality Hunger, for those looking for a longer commitment. Read on, and add your own…
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More me then I could ever be.
I have had the privilege of raising my daughter Lazera, she is a handful, she likes to do what you tell her not to and she is four so she is a monkey that knows no bounds. I owe a lot of grey strands to her and her sister Alex. But for now this one is just on my daughter Laz.
Lazera is an interesting child, but to view her from the outside I must look like a horrible parent. My daughter loves new words and tries her best to use new words constantly. So when I explained to her the different between the dogs and people we brought in to a species discussion about humans and canines. I wonder at times what the neighbors are thinking and I cannot help but laugh.
Like most young children Lazera has her imaginary friend. From years of Girl scouts and activities with little ones imaginary friends comes in all kinds of shapes ans sizes. Lazera however has, Sam Riccardo. Sam Riccardo is not your normal grade Imaginary friend, I noticed most imaginary friends were usually ambitions to get something you wanted without actually asking, or to place the blame on someone who was never there.
Sam Riccardo, would never do a thing like that, instead he was high-caliber Imaginary Friend. He was a secret agent, a spy if you will who was out on missions across the world. Doing what? Killing the bad-guys. Can you fathom what this means in any matter? My daughter picks a guy a bad guy that is some where in the world. Sam Riccardo goes and leaves on business and doesn’t return for months. But when he does, she gets told of the bad-guys end.
She also has a habit of leading the children around her, and my 11 year-old cannot stand up to her even when she is twice her size and three times her mass. There is something sinister about my four-year old certain things are beyond her comprehension but she gathered quickly. For instance, she once came in asking what a tampon was. I told her during a little while of the week women have some abdominal pains which can lead to stress and short-tempered actions. It is best to take care of the problem with these and bananas. She asked me if they helped and I said yes, yes they do.
A month or two later I am having a very heated discussion on what it takes to sweep the floor and the result of a fully swept floor with my 11 year old. It was the 34,602nd time that I needed to explain the fundamentals of sweeping. I think Lazera caught on to how upset I was. With that she understood the problems it may had been, she returned a moment later with a sealed tampon in hand. “Here you are mommy you need one of these so you Must be on your period. ”
I should have died laughing but I could not get the bottom of my jaw off the floor.
One of the things I like to do as a parent is teach my kids words that they are not used to. Longer scientific words, Homo sapien sapien. Which there is still debate in the house whether or not that term is correct. But this tale embarks on a very vivid child with dimples and curls in the seat of her shopping cart as she held on with both hands.
“Mommy what is that?” She said as she was eyeing the odd-looking squash.
“That is an Acorn Squash.”
“Oh alright then and what are you?”
As if I was going to answer another form of squash I looked to her and said. “I am a human being, we are considered to be Homo Sapien Sapien.”
She looked to me and said the words several times differently. “You are a human, I’m a human… ” Later on it would occur to me just how much we sounded like Aliens from another planet to people on the street. My daughter would gracefully stand at the fence just as happy as she could be and speak to the people walking by.
“Hello Human! Are you enjoying Earth, I love Earth my favorite planet.”
I could just stand there and laugh to my self some times at the cuteness but then she gets this odd look when I ask her what she is doing. She turns her head side ways and scrunches up her hands as if she has some muscular compulsive action to curl her body.
So after this course of action I decided in the grocery store it was time to teach her the next word that would ruin me in public. Homo Sapien Sapien. This was my worst mistake ever. She was going through the store being super cute and I was being ultra proud. There was nothing holding her back from being happy. We get in to the line with a large cart full of groceries.
And then it began, the stars suddenly aligned and the signs of the Omen were upon me. Lazera was bouncing in her seat, and the beautiful words her mother had taught her spewed from her lip in a ray and ocean of racism.
“Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo !”
There was no way I could escape the stares, with luck I began tossing what I could of the groceries on to the conveyor belt. It was not like she was being silent, oh no, this wasn’t in talking tone either she was practically singing this as aloud and strong as she could without screaming it. Her voice echoed and here I am poking my finger… “shhh stop that it’s not nice, shhhh don’t say that.. ”
My daughter the proud. To proud to hide that brand new word of hers. To proud to let the shh of her mother stop her from showing the world the new word she was taught. ” Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo !”
The woman in the line was now staring, so much that one customer had left and the manager came over to bag the bags. The looks were horrid and I begin trying to bribe. “Shh if your be quiet mommy will give you candy.”
Muwahahahah sit vile woman! you taught this child these words and now you must suffer the wrath of everyone around you.
At this point, I was wishing that I had only tried purchasing two items. But no, I am an Extreme Coupon-er want-a-be. We are in this line for the long haul, the embarrassing long haul.
In all my wisdom I can feel myself getting possessed by Captain Picard. Shut Up Wesley was rolling in my mind while I can completely envision his epic face palming picture. My belief in the education in this one were failing.
“You’re a homo I’m a homo we are all a homo!”
My daughter sang about homo’s till the point I was about to cry and very much more red than the tomatoes that I was purchasing. I was at a loss. There was no hope for me. I was going to be forever banned as a LTBG Hater who was teaching her children the same. This was my devastation. Then suddenly in the symphony of song she ended her tune…
I breathed out and some people calmed another few laughed. I was relieved. She moved in the seat grinning.
“Did you like my song momma?”
Red faced I looked at her and pushed the candy bar in her mouth. My Little Laz.
Lazera has this way of making things funny without meaning to but her comedic timing has had me dying enough times they should have had some tombstones made for me by now. On this past New Years Day Lazera came in to the living room where Travis and I were passed out. When we woke she wanted something answered.
“Mother did you an Daddy stay up all night.”
To which the response was.
“Yes yes we did.”
Lazera looked over the both of us and rolled her eyes with a sigh as she crossed her arms.
“(Sigh) Waste of humans… ”
A few years ago I went to the hospital with a 104.5 degree fever and was suffering under a kidney infection (UTI that went in to the Kidneys.) I was horribly Ill. I was vomiting a lot and my body was weak and in truth I felt poisoned. I couldn’t move or bring together a thought I laid in bed suffering through the agonizing pain that came with it. Since then I have had many issues so when I get sick my immune system is shot low as it is, so adding this on top of that just makes me worse something as simple as an upset stomach turns in to violent vomiting.
I can deal with pain, more about 4 years ago then ever before. But there has been a headache I cannot really shake away. I have an issues with noise now. Simple sounds that are relaxing to some I cannot really stand any more. Background noise causes more tension than I am able to deal with. But what is hurting the most is the attempt of memory. I still have my mental clock. Where I look at it pick the time I have to be up by and mentally count it down in my head. There is a lot of tension behind my right eye. The nerves around it keep twitching. The pain has been nearly non stop for about 2 almost 3 years now.
About 3 months ago the pains began to gradually worsen. Breaking away from concentration, my spine was in a complete twist and with pain comes anger that isn’t always the best combination. When I would talk to people sometimes I was over joyed cause the pain had stopped. Other times I was pushing my nails in to my fist. Over the last 3 years I have watched my memory slip. This is coming from the woman who could memorize everything and have it stored for years. Quote book, or a show and give a brief explanation or even highly detailed explanation of what it was.. Now I have to actually rack my brain for current information, and there is nothing more terrifying then not remembering.
This isn’t something you normally share with people, the suffering of the unseen battle that you do. I know I have plenty of friends who cringe in the pain they go through so often. I normally just say I am sick and I will leave it at that. I have been waiting quite some time for my medical papers to return I already know my spine is ruined, I had a brother and I was his legs most of my life, being busty has never been a help for the spine. I could have the kids just touch my back and I would weep.
So, if you have asked me something and I forgot you asked me, what else is there? It seems that there has been a lot of moments I’m unclear on and the thought of going in for the type of examination they want me to do next has never been more scary in all my years. I remember knowing nothing of my mother, and her cancers that she had dealt with and when we were told it was only two months before she was gone forever.
My eyes are filled with tears to the cowardice I display with the lines. Still even now I can’t even begin to write my results, I haven’t even found the strength to read the letter anywhere passed the corridor of my brain. I wish I had my friends Jacob’s look on life he was so positive even with his diagnosis and hes been working so hard. With a family filled with Diabetics and Cancer failures and heart disease and strokes, I am in tears to the thought of what the kids will be placed through. I don’t even know where to begin, I have been dreading this moment of opening the papers, I have been dreading going back to hear what all is to be said.
More tests and weighing the options. The start of the new years has left me with bills on the counter and the look of desperation to them. I know many are scared for what is to come to them. And I’m going to need a few weeks to get everything settled in my mind together. This isn’t a cry for help or a plea for attention this is my first step in attempting to admit this is something wrong. This will affect my life.. this will change my life. I would like to hope that this is only something that needs one treatment and its done but with all the issues I am not thinking it will be. But I have a family I love dearly, I know what it is like to be thought of as a burden so I never tried to ask for anything.
My brother hated to ask and he had no choice.