-Sad Post – Honest and scared.

A few years ago I went to the hospital with a 104.5 degree fever and was suffering under a kidney infection (UTI that went in to the Kidneys.) I was horribly Ill. I was vomiting a lot and my body was weak and in truth I felt poisoned. I couldn’t move or bring together a thought I laid in bed suffering through the agonizing pain that came with it. Since then I have had many issues so when I get sick my immune system is shot low as it is, so adding this on top of that just makes me worse something as simple as an upset stomach turns in to violent vomiting.

I can deal with pain, more about 4 years ago then ever before. But there has been a headache I cannot really shake away. I have an issues with noise now. Simple sounds that are relaxing to some I cannot really stand any more. Background noise causes more tension than I am able to deal with. But what is hurting the most is the attempt of memory. I still have my mental clock. Where I look at it pick the time I have to be up by and mentally count it down in my head.  There is a lot of tension behind my right eye.  The nerves around it keep twitching. The pain has been nearly non stop for about 2 almost 3 years now.

About 3 months ago the pains began to gradually worsen. Breaking away from concentration, my spine was in a complete twist and with pain comes anger that isn’t always the best combination. When I would talk to people sometimes I was over joyed cause the pain had stopped. Other times I was pushing my nails in to my fist.  Over the last 3 years I have watched my memory slip. This is coming from the woman who could memorize everything and have it stored for years.  Quote book, or a show and give a brief explanation or even highly detailed explanation of what it was.. Now I have to actually rack my brain for current information, and there is nothing more terrifying then not remembering.

This isn’t something you normally share with people, the suffering of the unseen battle that you do. I know I have plenty of friends who cringe in the pain they go through so often. I normally just say I am sick and I will leave it at that. I have been waiting quite some time for my medical papers to return I already know my spine is ruined, I had a brother and I was his legs most of my life, being busty has never been a help for the spine.  I could have the kids just touch my back and I would weep.

So, if you have asked me something and I forgot you asked me, what else is there? It seems that there has been a lot of moments I’m unclear on and the thought of going in for the type of examination they want me to do next has never been more scary in all my years. I remember knowing nothing of my mother, and her cancers that she had dealt with and when we were told it was only two months before she was gone forever.

My eyes are filled with tears to the cowardice I display with the lines. Still even now I can’t even begin to write my results, I haven’t even found the strength to read the letter anywhere passed the corridor of my brain. I wish I had my friends Jacob’s look on life he was so positive even with his diagnosis and hes been working so hard.  With a family filled with Diabetics and Cancer failures and heart disease and strokes, I am in tears to the thought of what the kids will be placed through. I don’t even know where to begin, I have been dreading this moment of opening the papers, I have been dreading going back to hear what all is to be said.

More tests and weighing the options.  The start of the new years has left me with bills on the counter and the look of desperation to them. I know many are scared for what is to come to them. And I’m going to need a few weeks to get everything settled in my mind together.  This isn’t a cry for help or a plea for attention this is my first step in attempting to admit this is something wrong. This will affect my life.. this will change my life.  I would like to hope that this is only something that needs one treatment and its done but with all the issues I am not thinking it will be. But I have a family I love dearly, I know what it is like to be thought of as a burden so I never tried to ask for anything.

My brother hated to ask and he had no choice.

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