Fish Hooks and Family

As requested by my second mom, was to make the fish hook story. I was not there for everything that had went on, but in the Ditch family nothing is under done. Everything went off in a big affect. It was often a toss up between my Aunt Sharron’s home and my Aunt Melinda’s I have always loved my Aunt Sharron’s house it was like a race track. There was this ring and as kids we would run around it make laps like NASCAR fans. Anytime we came to visit some how there was a chase about her house. And it was always in one direction. The speed we would gather as little kids.

MjAxMi0wMTk2OTljM2UzNDg4YWRhI wonder what’s gonna happen?

This time we were at My Aunt Melinda’s, don’t get me wrong my family is very tightly wound together, unless you are me. I stopped going to church shortly after my mother and father were separated. I stopped believing in Christianity shortly after my Aunt -Nameless- had moved in with me, and I stopped wanting to be around people who would bring up the bad memories and ask the wrong things. So I left a lot of conversations both physically and mentally.

So when it came to true family I tried not to speak of the bad as much as possible. I found a slightly peaceful and almost romantic religion. Reading the main basics of their teachings I have moved on to being a Buddhist, this happened around the time when I was 20, one of the few decisions I got to actually make in my life. It’s awkward to be cause I have this odd attraction to the eastern cultures of the orient. I have a friend who I constantly joke with about having yellow fever. Bruce Lee had paved the path and everyone else seemed to follow through. Then you add the spiritualist of the Tibetan Monks, you might as well just let me sit and be a vegetable in awe. I was not until I moved to Texas for a few months and got to witness them first hand. We lived right across the temple and we had little to do, but the few times we walked by they happened to be the most kind and gentle creatures who walked the planet. So to top it off chalk up obsessed with guys in the orange robes. Changing religions  seemed to be one of those decisions that were never regretted.


If you have ever heard me fan-girling I am right now.

Side tracking. Our family is kind of large I have dozens of cousins just one one side, and easy few dozens on another side. I have so many Aunts I do not think I ever actually sat down and counted them all. Its odd because a lot of my cousins and I are related to more then once. Take my cousin Jess, myself and our brothers are related in a few ways but there is no incest or anything like that its just the odd way that it seemed to happen. Even though time and time again it seemed to be something distinctly evil the way the others put it.. “your family tree doesn’t fork.” No ours just does like a figure eight some where in it.

crazy-road-sign1Parts of my family tree, or a traffic sign you decide.

Her grandmother and my grandmother are sisters (and oddly enough they are both on our Mother’s side.) Leading to our mothers being first cousins, so that automatically makes us second cousins. Right after that my dad, and her father are brothers. So we are first Cousins by our dads Second Cousins by our mothers. When it comes to our dads, think of long hair in the 70’s one with a fashion sense only the rich British could envy and the other a backwoods man spurred on hunting and Elvis. Take a wild guess which one was my father, you only get one try. So these suave brothers come across this pair of cousins and then starts the relationships. Leading to marriage, one having their hair all nice and neat and straight looking dignified, and than the other looking like they stuck their fingers in to an electric socket then twisted their hair in tight curls. This is the second time you get to guess, again you only get one guess, so which one was my parents wedding?

CookieYup, you guessed it, here is your cookie.

So our very large family  is having either a Thanksgiving or Christmas, I am not sure exactly which one it was, but the whole family was there. The table was set up in beautifully, family was catching up and Aunt Melinda was a buzz with her amazing heart and good nature spirit perhaps the best god mother a person could hope for. It was a card Christmas people would laugh and hug each others talk about the good things in life. Hallmark should pay us for some of our family photos. Completely different then my other side of the family, that is a story for another time. So the fires warm there is music playing the 3rd generations of cousins are all trying to figure out who to play with. And my dad shows up, his beautiful wife Sara and there were two things that were off about him. The first thing I noticed was he was sprouting hair from the bottom of his knees and it touched the ground.

il_430xN.85609612Some where there is a Wookie walking about on peg legs.

Honestly I was staring at his feet for way to long there were certain things that once you get them in my head I begin to question all reality. I am a fan of Bigfoot, and odd legends of the unknown but I am not out there demanding that I have seen them, there might of been a strange slow in the evolutionary chain for some beings, or there might have been a few college boys strutting across Washington. Either way seeing him stand there I felt sorry. My father being the taxidermist that he is, I had to sit back and wonder what animal got butchered for this horrible fashion decision? I under stand that when you kill an animal you use everything but this poor creatures life was being put to shame by having feet shoved in to his carcass and paraded about like Go Go dancers last wish.

Those shoes were some how attached to jeans that went on to my dad, on up to his wolf pattern shirt his Texas Bola tie and Bear Claw necklace that hung about his neck on up to his nose. There there was a piece of metal that only a true fisherman would be ashamed to see happen and only a punk rocker could envy.


Oi! I should of thought of that!

My father had a 3 pronged barbed fish hook in his nose and not a small one either this was at least 2 inches long. “Sarah really hooked me this time.” My poor step mom was so embarrassed as he placed the blame on her. You can hear her in the back room. “I told him to take it out before he got here. But he wanted to keep it in. ” My dad finds things that are oddly humorous.  Come on the man makes own faces out of a deers rear end how can he not be? He went about the table striking up conversations I wish I had a camera to just capture everyone’s face that was made. Some where bizarre others were worried but the majority of the faces were wondering what he was going to do next.

Sakuma535But it’s so cool everyone will be wearing one!

My dad knew I was in to tattoos and piercings and wanted to get it UN-pierced at a shop. I could actually see him walk in to one of the shops wanting to get unperceived and then wanting to get a refund for a piercing they never gave. So every person has to see it. It was side show Bob. The Main attraction of the night was the hook in his story. Do you know how big the family is, so when a cousin comes over, doesn’t matter what time they see me the conversation always starts off with.. “Did you see your Dad?” That pretty much sums up the beginning of every conversation in my life with my family. Its an epic face planting moment where every time I can fell my spiritual hand slipping over my flesh and trying to peel it off. His sisters and brothers were telling him he needed to figure out what he was going to do about it. Dad was set one getting this out by means of no less then a band of British punks who carried spiked hair, Mohawks, piercings and flame throwers. That was the way he wanted it out and that was the way it was going to happen. It was talked about and looked at a few times he was told to go to the hospital and get help.

hook-in-noseIt’s only a flesh wound.

My family sat down to eat, the breathtaking table of this beautiful meal that my aunt had worked so hard at preparing.  Another almost Hallmark moment if you could just pan over the metal art attached to my dad’s face. It was hard to pray, I don’t think a single one of us prayed for ourselves. I am sure I am not the only one who cracked an eye at that piece he had in his face. It was metal, perhaps magnetized or it was directly in the center of his face it was hard to talk to him and not Captain Hook who was resting peacefully in a nostril. There was this moment in silence when they all prayed. None of asked for something for ourselves, I am more then certain every single one of them was praying the same thing..

tumblr_lqt6clfW3z1qzzsd3o1_400Oh Lord bless this, thy hand grenade.

“Dear lord, please get that hook out of his nose… ” then the head whisper. “No one can eat staring at thing.” So he wiggles his nose like he is some kind of a rabbit, the barbed metal becomes an icon like Punxsutawney Phill, the hook was deciding if it was going to leave his nose and start an early sanity, or see its shadow and stay hooked and allow 6 more weeks of face palming. I am not sure how it Houdini-ed it’s way out of his nose but some how this barbed hook slid out with not so much of a drop blood on the banquette meal that was made. On sneeze after prayer and it was shot out on to his plate. There was a moment of complete relief where Sarah and I realized there is a higher power watching over us. There is someone listening to the random wishes of the mortal realms not sure who it is but I thank you all! Dinner was saved!

b christThank you Jesus!


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